Comparison is stupid. Comparethefckinwhatever.com makes us fat. Compared with describing something on its own terms, comparisons are just lazy. And I know I just used a comparison. I am stupid. I am fat. I am lazy.
This isn’t a comparison of Evil Deads.
This is a list of the cripplingly obvious horror clichés that the new Evil Dead waves in our face while it runs cackling into the night with our cash.
And I’m going to avoid spoilers. There are more awful clichés in the film than those listed here but I would hate to be accused of ruining it for anyone. That honour should be bestowed on the makers alone.
So here is what constitutes the most terrifying experience you will ever…emm….ehh, experience. If I missed any, feel free to add your own.
- The Mirror Scare. The fckin Mirror Scare? Really? Have a good look at yourselves.
- The Hand Out The Ground Scare. The Hand Out The Ground Scare burns in Hell!
- Being Distracted By Something While Driving, Look Away, Then Back To Driving Only To See Someone Has Magically Appeared On The Road Ahead. Shock. Swerve. Crash. Yawn.
- A Girl In A Dress With Long, Greasy Hair Hanging In Front Of Her Face. Just standing there. Not moving. But look away and, by the power of Avid Media Composer (or Final Cut Pro if you’re an idiot) she’s gone. Ghosts and ghouls that can jump cut.
- The Powerhose Vomit. Fuck off I’m full!
- Disfigured Rednecks. If swear if I see one more lipless gummy grin in a film, one side of my face will try and slide away from my milky eye too.
- Possessed People Suddenly Talking And Looking Normal As They Plead For Mercy, ONLY FOR IT TO BE A TRICK. This is as surprising as a Kinder Surprise containing a shitty plastic toy.
- Flickering Flashlights. Flickering Light Bulbs. My eyelids are flickering.
- Possessed People Being All Twitchy And Jerky While We Hear Their Bones Grind. It’s a little known fact that a side-effect of possession is rheumatoid arthritis. Demons wear magnetic copper bracelets.
- Possessed People With Potty Mouths. Oh the language is shocking. Well it would be if was said to someone other than PEOPLE IN THEIR EARLY TWENTIES!! When I was twenty three I swore more than I spoke.
Right, now, this next one happens over and over and over again. This is the laziest, shittest thing in the film. It constitutes about 74.2% of all the attempted scares…
- Look Left…Nothing. Look Right….Nothing….Look Left AgaiOH SHIT SOMETHING’S THERE!
And again. And again.
- The Nerd
- The Dumb Blonde Cannon Fodder
- The Joke Shop Contact Lenses
- The Creaky Doors That Slowly Close On Their Own
- Ooooh What’s Behind The Shower Curtain?
- The Demonic Voice That Sounds Like Barry White Through A Loudhaler Who’s Batteries Are Going
- Hey Possessed Person, Whatcha Doing Crawling On The Floor?
And my favourite….
- ONLY USE THREE COLOURS IN THE GRADE. It makes everything look all cool and moody and CHEAP! Get a DoP!
Like I said there are more but they are somewhat plot-dependant and I don’t want to spoil the plot. It’s not a great plot. But it’s not mine.
But I swear ALL these clichés are in the new Evil Dead. Some of them more than once. Some of them endlessly. There is not one new idea in it. Which is why I was so disappointed. As well as being fat and lazy, I am admittedly quite old but I can still be terrified and delighted by a horror film. Just not this one.
And with the budget, support and good will of this film, that papercuts my perineum.
Then again, if none of the above made any sense to you, Get along to the new Evil Dead. You’ll fcking love it!