Amok Train

Right, here’s what I am looking for. I want a horror film that rivals the genius that is Gymkata. I am aware that no other film could have anything as spectacular as the poor, aged extra in this clip getting leathered by a horse.

Go on watch it again. I did. And again.

But there must be some horror movie out there that comes at least close to the…What? What’s that you say?

A batshit Italian film shot in Yugoslavia with American actors? Yes please!

And it’s a completely unrelated sequel to the Beyond The Door films? I’m there!

A virgin with a horned birthmark worrying about her college classmates liking her as she is led by a creepy professor on a trip to batshit forest? Elderly Eastern European villagers dressed in black, each and every one of them uniquely ugly? And they’re knocking stones together in a creepy and batshit way? Sign me the fuck up!

What? The students then escape a pointless fire, a potentially plot-destroying, film-ending fire for no reason other than to get them onto a train so that it can, in turn, run amok? And you have your actual actors actually jumping onto the actual moving train? Wouldn’t those actual actors actually die if they actually mistimed their actual jumps? Oh, you actually don’t give a toss? Smashing. I’m double in!

A batshit monk who only plays a pennywhistle? A batshit thief girl who wears a leather flying helmet for no reason? A cheery conductor who isn’t really batshit but only hangs around long enough to explode like a Ribena Piñata? Sold and sold!

One of the students tearing her own face off? Live maggots stuck to the actors faces by big dollops of glue? One solitary slow-motion scene shot on utterly different stock from the rest of the film? Another student being cut in two by swinging chains, resulting in a wondrously batshit half-body dummy, replete with hanging entrails and a swivelling head? I couldn’t be more on board!

You have more? Model trains? Laughably batshit model trains? Explosions? The train going off-rail to plough through a swamp and behead a canoeing student? Bombs? Skewering torsos? A disregard for plot, dialogue and good old common sense? A cackling milky-eyed witch with back-combed hair and a penchant for reaching up the heroine’s skirt to check she’s still a virgin? Hook me up man. Hook a brother up!

And finally a floppy-fingered Satan in a glass David Blaine box?

You had me at “batshit”!

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