Well hello there, dog flashback.
That’s a dog remembering how it became a vampire. Just think about that for a second. The chance to watch the visual memories of a dead dog as its unliving brain replays its own death and rebirth. How the fuck do they do that? Isn’t science wonderful?
But what’s this shit? Zoltan is chased off by the barking of other, live, not dead, dogs? That’s Zoltan, Hound of Dracula, vampire dog returned from the dead, strong, violent, hungry and loyal who wants nothing more than to bite, thus create, a new master, being shooed off by a woofing mutt. Yasss! More please.
Flared jeans, a giant Winnebago, some tight male polonecks, pastel shades and old style Coke cans in a Dracula film? It shouldn’t work. And doesn’t. But does. But doesn’t really.
Oh good, a competition among the script and/or producer folks. Well, it must be a competition. Otherwise there is no reason for the spectacular number of times the word “Zoltan” is whispered versus the numerous zooming shots onto Reggie Nalder’s pursed wee face. I dunno who won the original bet, the zoltans or the facezooms, but we’re the winners overall.
Because boy…Reggie Nalder’s face.
Just….I mean….aww man. Reggie Nalder’s face. It’s on screen constantly. Often without the face talking or even moving. Just those pursed testicle-bag lips and the starey how-am-I-going-to-spend-my-£10-from-my-scratchcard eyes. Tyra Banks doesn’t know the meaning of the word “fierce”. Every time I blink now I see Reggie’s face. Can you damage your eyes by blinking too often?
But here’s what’s truly magnificent about Zoltan. All the effects are practical effects. Fucking brilliant. Real actual dogs running and barking and biting and looking all menacing as some stagehand shines a light in their reflective creepy eyes. Stuntmen, or maybe just the cheaper actors, rolling in dirt with big, slabbering, there-on-set dogs. Great. Not a CGI spurt, snap, stab, claw or cleave to be had. No floating animals or crap animation or stinky green screen. Your actual Zoltan is actually in your actual Zoltan film.
Then comes Zombieland. A decent TV pilot. Some good zombie action. Comedy even when plot is needed. Fun lines, stupid deaths and a great opening titles. Mind you, you can fuck your American kooky geek heroes, I’m done with them.
But Zombieland has the single best cameo in the history of films. The best. Ever. Ever.