Ratman Vs Tokyo Gore Police

Italian Horror, you’ve got to love it.

Oh look there’s a fat Italian actor who looks like he’s been stung repeatedly in the face by wasps. That’ll be the wasps hanging around the pakora plate at the lunch wagon. Fuckin wasp pakora.

And there’s a creepy David Hayman guy taking photos of lassies that’ll probably get totally nudey later. Not a member of the IBTC among them. Or Equity.

Here’s the ubiquitous drunk English-speaking actor trying to look all suave in their mother’s blouse. Smashing life eh? Whisked off to Italy for a few weeks a year to drink and smoke and letch and…FUCK ME!!

An actual Ratman


Oh no, sorry, it’s Nelson de la Rosa playing a rat/monkey hybrid. Two foot four inches high. Christ. Years of your family and friends praying for your wee heart to keep beating just a little longer, only so you can be rolled in fur and have a set of Tam Shepherd’s teeth fired into you.

It must have been a nightmare filming with him, pretending everything was normal, he’s just a regular actor, la la la and then during a break; BOOM, someone kicks a football at him.

And those Ratman attacks. Actors holding the poor wee fella as he pretends to eat at their face while the director shouts “Don’t hurt him. Don’t hurt him”. Desperately trying to shake him hard enough so it looks like a vicious mauling, yet not hard enough to snap his wee twiglet bones.

Mind you, the end result is smashing. Among the Italian stretches of tedious twattery there’s some toppermost trash. And a ratman-shadow-climbing-the-curtain shot that pisses all over most modern horror. G’on yersel wee man.

Then there was six minutes of Tokyo Gore Police. Cerrrrap. Manga should stay manga, get video to fuck out of films and, boy those Japanese blood sprays were tedious the second the Shogun Assassin films finished. Six minutes of boring.

So The Fog saved us. Yes, the glowing cross is shit but shit things don’t ruin films. Not having good things ruins films. And The Fog has many many good things.

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