George, George, George. Survival Of The Dead? Comedy? Really? So many have taken your zombie ball and run with it that you’re reduced to clunky, tortured, cheapo comedy? That special gift you made especially for me is now a prop for a joke? Really? Can I have a look at your big glasses George? Yeah, your glasses. Just a quick look? Thanks *SNAP*.
And does Jessica Fletcher not want her Murder She Wrote story back? Feuding Irish families? Really? The Muldoons vs. The O’Flynns? I mean, what? A cryingly lame pro-life/pro choice doesn’t cover the shittery. “D’ zombies are always after me lucky charms!” Let me see those glasses again George. Come on, I’m not going to do anything to them. Just give me a look George. Thanks. *SNAP*
Introducing a female character by having her hands down her trousers flicking her bean? Really? Where are you going to go with that one George? Oh, nowhere. Right. Those are nice glasses George, any chance I can have a shot of them for a sec? What? Break them? No, no, there’s just a thing in the newspaper here that I want to have a look at. I’ll give them right back George, I promise. *SNAP*
See, you wanted me to snap them glasses that time George. You gave them to me, knowing I was going to do that.
Mind you, you’ve got some decent gore there George. I’ll give you that. Some head-popping loveliness, and the usual pull-a-boy-apart gubbins. Anybody got some tape for George’s glasses? George’s glasses need a bit of tape over here. There you go George, that’s your glasses fixed.
Hold on though, the acting? And the terrible accents? And the awful plot dressed up in a dreadful script? And the ridiculous set pieces? But it’s mainly the comedy George. The bored comedy. Hooking a zombie on a fishing line? Scooshing a fire extinguisher into a zombie’s mouth till its head pops? Glasses George! Give me the big glasses! *SNAP* Now, let’s balance them back on your nose. Sit still. Nearly. Nearly. There! Now don’t move.
Because here’s Cabin Fever 2. “Wooooaaahhh!” and “Ooooph No!” and “Oh come on now!” and “Get to fuck”. Sick, vile, wannabe shocker. Vibrant, hilarious, don’t-give-a-fuck rampage. Fuck House of the Devil Ti West, this is what you should be making. Seeping, gruesome frolics.
Gaah, your glasses have just fallen off there George. Looks like they’re broke too.