The Children Rant

Hey The Children, c’mere a minute. Here’s the thing…The Children under ten years old aren’t scary.

Unless you do something fucking smart, or fun, with them, I’m not going to be scared by an evil that can be shooed away with a wave of my hand. See if I’m lying on the sofa and my daughter climbs on my chest, I find it easier to stand up than after I’ve had a Chinese takeaway from the top of the road.

Primary school The Children are only terrifying when they point at your beard and shout “Paedo”. That’s horror for you.

But then again, The Children, you’re not a horror. You’re a mid-series episode of Casualty.

First, someone is bumped by a sledge.

Then a woman gets scratched.

Next, Jeremy Handsome slides down a hill on a sledge, a flash of spikey-sharp garden implement and suddenly, a shocked Jeremy looks like someone told him the highlight of his career would be a Renault ad.

Cut on impact of Jeremy and implement.

Come on The Children, stop fucking cutting away. Show me what happened. Is Jeremy Luscious badly injured? Fuck knows. When we see him later where is all that blood coming from? Fuck knows. Who thought this would be satisfying? Fuck knows. Actually, it’s probably everyone involved. But they hate horror films. They must.

Then a mother slips on a climbing frame and breaks her leg. Fuck me, these The Children aren’t evil, their parents are just clumsy flapfeet.

But the thing that bursts the most is the character-is-the-audience shit. A parent looking for their The Children isn’t going to get a big fright when they are hugged by the very The Children they are looking for. No matter how loud you make the screechy noise, or how quick you cut away to another scene, it’s not a real scare. Film characters can’t hear the droning soundtrack. They don’t see the editing. As a general rule parents aren’t scared of their own The Children, so they wouldn’t be wary of, or unnerved by, their own The Children, even after a tantrum and two accidents. Having characters acting like they are the audience is just weak. It’s just reminding me that I am watching a film. And I hate knowing I’m watching a film. I want to forget I exist. Then shit myself.

Or I want to see gubbins. Sloppy, popping, showering, crunching gubbins. And if you can’t afford it then you’re doing horror films wrong. They’re cheap, when used in combination with an imagination. Try it. Make your film fun. Have a laugh. Then maybe I’ll enjoy it too.

Until then The Children, stop ruining British horror for everyone. Especially The Children.

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